Allowing Myself to Feel Sad

Once I got to work, other things started happening. The freezer in the kitchen upstairs shit the bed (granted it was a dinosaur.) Aaron headed off to pick up a new one. The plan was to install it after closing time that night, so we shuffled everything around to make sure we didn’t lose all the food in the old one. When he returned, we went home to eat dinner and let the dogs out, and when we got back… More things happened.

Apparently while we were gone, the hot water tank in the basement blew a valve and started launching water everywhere. Unfortunately this went unnoticed as it was in the basement. So we came back to a nice little flood, and no hot water.

The next 6 hours of my life constituted cleaning up a flooded basement, dragging a new freezer inside, dragging an old freezer outside, installing that… Getting an emergency plumber lined up to come in first thing in the morning (thank God my morning cook’s boyfriend has a plumbing business)… All on a throbbing ankle. Did I mention quarterly taxes are due this week? And payroll? And our yearly downpayment on insurance renewal for the bar? Trust me, even two top shelf mason jar margaritas didn’t fix this day.

I know it’s just the facts of life, and that we as adults have to deal with crappy stuff happening, but when it’s all at once, I don’t cope so well. I always forget that I deal with a little tiff of seasonal depression in the fall, but running held that at bay for me this year… Until I couldn’t anymore.

Yesterday, I decided I was going to let myself be sad. It’s been building for awhile now, but the rapid fire onslaught of 11/12/13 pushed me over the edge. Aaron went about his day as usual, and I mostly just grumped around, ate junk food, and cried a lot. I don’t know when it clicked, but I realized I’ve been having a lot of these “let myself be sad days” lately. In fact, for the past 10 days I have been just “off.”

I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in the world around me.

I contribute it a lot to my lack of physical activity. Combining a mild case of exercise addiction with a minor injury is basically maddening. Then there’s the never ending list I’ve been holding myself to lately. My organizational skills around the house have started slipping, and that ends up in this never ending feeling of “dread.” The lack of sunshine and endorphins have me at the end of my rope.

Last night, though, I decided enough was enough. So I can’t run like I want to? There surely has to be something I can do in it’s place that makes me feel great again. And although while I was lifting this morning, I kept catching glimpses of my mountain bike sitting there out of the corner of my eye, there’s a lot to be said about the healing power of heavy dead lifts and high rep squats.

Sure my Christmas fund is tapped out at the moment, but going into work today knowing that the chance of a malfunction is pretty slim offers me a consolation prize of sorts. And actively shifting my mindset from just dealing with the fact that I “feel sad” to, “I don’t want to be sad anymore!” is really actually working.

I know this is what I signed up for when I went into self-employment. I also know injuries are things we all encounter at some point in our career. And I would be lying if I didn’t say my ankle actually hasn’t hurt even once today. So I guess my blue days are gone for now.

Do you ever find yourself in a funk? What makes you snap out of it?

Kerry